When Shame Keeps You Stuck: Why Hiding Hurts More Than Healing Helps

Dec 11

By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Addiction & Betrayal Recovery in Pensacola, Jacksonville, and Telehealth Across Florida

The Heavy Armor of Shame

If you’re in recovery from addiction—whether that’s sex addiction, porn addiction, substance use, or compulsive behaviors—you’re probably no stranger to shame.

Shame feels like a protective shell. It tells you:
"If I hide, I’ll be safer."
"If I don’t share the truth, I won’t make things worse."
"If they really knew me, they’d leave."

But here’s the paradox: The very thing that feels like safety is actually the trap that keeps you stuck.

At Root to Bloom Therapy, I work with couples in the aftermath of addiction and betrayal. Again and again, I see how shame hijacks the healing process—not just for the person struggling with addiction, but for their partners too. It creates distance where connection is needed most.

Let’s break this down so you can see it clearly.

How Shame Shows Up in Addiction Recovery

Shame isn’t just guilt about what you’ve done.
Shame is the deep belief that you are fundamentally broken, unworthy, or beyond repair.

According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), shame is often a secondary emotion—it masks the deeper feelings of fear, grief, and vulnerability that live underneath.

In addiction recovery, shame can sound like:

"I can’t tell my partner how I’m really feeling because I’ll just cause more pain."
"I’m the problem. I’m defective."
"I’ve already hurt them so much; there’s no coming back from this."
"If I open up, I’ll be rejected, judged, or abandoned."

Shame can lead to:

Emotional shutdown
Minimizing the problem
Avoiding disclosure
Defensiveness or anger to cover insecurity
Isolating from recovery community, spouse, or therapist
Relapse cycles because of the unbearable weight of secrecy

The Attachment Wound Shame Creates

Michelle Mays, in her work with betrayal trauma and addiction, teaches that addiction is both a source of attachment injury and a response to attachment wounds.

When you choose secrecy over honesty, shame over openness, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re unintentionally reinforcing your partner’s deepest fears:

"I’m not worthy of the truth."
"I’m not lovable enough to be chosen over the addiction."
"They don’t care about me or how I feel."

Even when your intent is to “protect” them from more pain, secrecy actually magnifies the injury.

As Jake Porter, founder of Daring Ventures, says, “Secrecy is the fertilizer of trauma.”
Every time you avoid, delay, or minimize, you create more distance between you and your partner, leaving them trapped in confusion and fear.

Why Avoidance Feels Safer (But Actually Isn't)

Avoiding hard conversations can feel like self-preservation, especially if you grew up in an environment where vulnerability wasn’t safe.
Maybe you learned early on:

If I show weakness, I’ll be punished.
If I speak the truth, I’ll be abandoned.
If I have needs or feelings, I’ll be rejected.

Robert Weiss, a leader in sex addiction treatment, reminds us that many addicts use compulsive behaviors to numb emotional pain. Hiding becomes part of the coping mechanism.

But recovery isn’t just about stopping the behavior. It’s about healing the underlying attachment wounds.
That means learning to show up in vulnerability, not shame.

What This Feels Like for Your Partner

For your partner, the aftermath of betrayal is like standing in the wreckage of an emotional earthquake.
They are scanning the environment for safety, wondering:

"Can I trust you again?"
"Are you going to be there for me this time?"
"Am I enough for you to fight for?"

When you stay stuck in shame, your silence feels like abandonment. It unintentionally tells your partner:

"I don’t care enough to show up."
"I’m still choosing to hide, and that means you’re not important enough for the truth."

That’s not your heart—but it’s how the behavior lands.

The Antidote to Shame: Safe Connection

According to Sue Johnson’s EFT model, healing happens in moments of safe emotional connection.
This means:

Naming your emotions honestly
Validating your partner’s pain without defensiveness
Showing empathy, even when it’s uncomfortable
Being accountable for your actions without collapsing into shame

Jake Porter teaches couples to move from trauma management to connection building.
This isn’t about perfectly performing recovery—it’s about learning to be seen and still loved.

Michelle Mays describes this as living in “the both/and”:

I can feel ashamed of what I’ve done AND I can still offer repair.
I can acknowledge my brokenness AND believe I’m worthy of love.

For the Addict: How to Step Out of Shame

Here are some practical steps you can take today:

Name It Out Loud
Shame grows in secrecy. Speak your feelings to your therapist, your group, and your partner (when appropriate). Practice saying:
"I feel ashamed right now, but I want to stay present."
Stop Avoiding Hard Conversations
Avoidance tells your partner they don’t matter. Practice leaning in, even when it’s uncomfortable. Say:
"I’m scared to say this because I don’t want to hurt you, but I know honesty is love."
Engage in Staggered or Full Therapeutic Disclosure (With Guidance)
Partner trauma is worsened by half-truths and “trickle disclosures.” Work with a CSAT to create a safe, structured process for disclosure.
Work on Emotional Regulation
Use tools like grounding, breathwork, and somatic awareness to stay present when shame hits. You don’t have to get stuck in it.
Remember: Shame Is a Liar
Shame says, “You’re bad.”
Recovery says, “You’ve done harm, but you can repair.”

For the Partner: What You Need to Know

If you’re the partner of someone in recovery, it’s important to understand:

Their shame is not about you, but it affects you.
You deserve honesty, consistency, and emotional attunement—not perfection, but presence.
Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to express your needs and set boundaries.

Healing happens when both partners learn to co-create safety. That starts with courage from both sides—courage to feel, to speak, and to stay present even when it’s hard.

Love Can’t Grow in Hiding

At Root to Bloom Therapy, we believe healing is possible when people choose connection over protection.

Shame may feel like a safe place to hide, but it’s actually a prison.
Recovery begins when you risk being seen—and discover you are still loved.

If you’re ready to stop letting shame dictate your life and your marriage, reach out.
We’re here to help couples in Pensacola, Jacksonville, and across Florida via telehealth.