Discernment Exercise for the Betrayed Spouse: Reclaiming Your Voice in the Aftermath of Betrayal

Jul 7

When you're reeling from betrayal, everything can feel unstable. You might not know what you want. You may swing between staying and leaving—between anger and grief, fear and longing, hope and hopelessness. All of this is normal. And none of it means you're broken or weak.

But in this fog of pain, fear, and trauma, it’s easy to lose touch with your own voice.

This exercise won’t give you all the answers today—but it will help you begin to gather your thoughts, your needs, and your values. You don’t need to decide yet. But you do deserve clarity. And you do deserve a voice in what happens next.

Step 1: Create Four Quadrants

Take out a sheet of paper and draw two large boxes. Divide each box into four sections.

Label the first box:

If I Stay in the Marriage
- What I Would Gain
- What I Would Lose or Let Go Of
- What Would Be Positive
- What Would Be Negative

Label the second box:

If I Leave the Marriage
- What I Would Gain
- What I Would Lose or Let Go Of
- What Would Be Positive
- What Would Be Negative

Let yourself write freely in each box. You do not have to be neutral. Be honest. Be raw. Be specific. This is your safe space to name what matters.

Use These Prompts to Help You Think It Through:

Your partner’s character and capacity for change
Your identity as a spouse/parent/partner
Emotional and sexual safety
Your home, finances, or lifestyle
Shared history and memories
Attachment, love, trauma bonds, or grief
Your core values and dealbreakers
Stability vs. freedom
Relationships with extended family or children
Traditions, routines, shared dreams
Trust: Can it be rebuilt? Do you want to try?
Unknowns and fears about the future
Healing — alone or together
Possibility of future betrayal
What repair would need to look like for you to even consider staying

Step 2: Values Assessment

Now go back through what you wrote. Ask yourself:

Which items reflect my core values?
Which things do I truly need in order to feel emotionally safe?
What kind of life do I want to create — and who do I need to be to have it?
What do I value most in a partner? A relationship? A home?

List your values from most to least important. They might include: honesty, emotional safety, consistency, shared faith, sexual integrity, stability for your children, freedom, trust, or mutual effort.

What you’re doing is weighing qualitative value—not just quantity. A single line in one box may carry more weight than a dozen in another.

Step 3: Pause, Then Revisit

Put the paper down. Give your brain and body time to process. Come back to it in a day or two and notice what’s shifted, what stands out more, and what your gut is trying to tell you.

This process is not about rushing toward a decision. It’s about giving yourself back to yourself.

Visioning the Future: Rebuilding or Releasing?

Sometimes trauma collapses our ability to imagine a future. Let’s gently begin.

Close your eyes and imagine your life:

One year, five years, and twenty years from now. Are you still with your spouse? Have you built something more connected and safe? Or have you started a new chapter, rooted in freedom and peace?
What would it look like to co-parent (if applicable) with this person over time? Would you feel peace? Clarity? Continued fear or anxiety?
Imagine your spouse repartnered. How would it feel? How would it impact your children?
Imagine you repartnered. How would it feel to have a relationship where there is no betrayal, only respect and care?
Think about the rituals and rhythms of your life. Holidays. Milestones. Vacations. Would those feel joyful or hollow? Rebuilt or rewritten?

Looking Back Without Rewriting the Whole Story

Try, if you’re able, to remember your relationship before the betrayal. Without rewriting the good, and without ignoring the pain.

What was good about your marriage? What did you enjoy, value, or feel proud of?
What would you deeply miss if this relationship ended?
(Even if it’s already broken, it’s okay to grieve what could have been.)
What do you wish your spouse had protected more fiercely?
How hard have you worked to build this life together? And how much of that was mutual?

Hard but Healing Questions

Do I believe my spouse is capable of true accountability, change, and repair?
Do I feel emotionally safe enough to keep waiting for that?
Have they shown consistent action—not just words—since the betrayal?
Do I feel hope, or just obligation and fear?
Am I afraid to leave because of love, or because of uncertainty, guilt, or external pressure?
Would I regret staying if nothing ever changed again?
Would I regret leaving before trying everything I felt was worth trying?
Have I betrayed myself by trying to keep this together at all costs?
What would it feel like to choose me, my healing, and my truth—even if it's terrifying?

You Get to Decide From a Place of Strength, Not Just Survival

Whether you stay and rebuild—or leave and reclaim—you deserve a voice, safety, honesty, and healing.

If you stay, you get to have boundaries. Conditions. Expectations. You are not obligated to absorb more pain without mutual repair.

If you leave, you are not a quitter. You are not a failure. You are a person who deserves peace.

The point is not to make the “right” decision. The point is to make a conscious one—rooted in values, clarity, and courage.

You don’t have to rush. You don’t have to perform. You just have to keep showing up for yourself as gently and honestly as you can.

Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
Root to Bloom Therapy
Helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, betrayal, and sexual addiction—one honest conversation at a time.