When Betrayal Is More Than a Mistake: Understanding Infidelity as Abuse

Jul 8

Infidelity is often labeled a “mistake,” a “poor choice,” or a “moment of weakness.” In some circles, it’s even normalized or excused with phrases like “people fall out of love” or “everyone deserves happiness.” But for the betrayed partner, the reality feels far more devastating—and rightly so.

In many cases, betrayal and infidelity aren’t just hurtful. They are abusive.

This may feel like a bold statement. But let’s break it down.

The Hidden Violence of Betrayal

Abuse isn’t always physical. Emotional and psychological abuse often go undetected, yet they can leave wounds just as deep. Infidelity—particularly when it is chronic, compulsive, deceptive, or denied—can function as a form of relational and psychological abuse.

Here’s why:

Gaslighting: Many betrayed partners are told they’re “crazy,” “insecure,” or “too sensitive” for noticing signs of betrayal. This form of manipulation destabilizes a person’s reality and creates deep confusion, self-doubt, and anxiety.
Deception: Infidelity almost always involves a double life. Hiding relationships, lying about time, manipulating finances, or weaponizing trust fractures the foundational safety every human needs in an intimate relationship.
Sexual coercion or exposure risk: Some partners are unknowingly exposed to sexually transmitted infections or are pressured into sexual intimacy with someone who is not sexually exclusive. This is a violation of sexual safety and consent.
Power and control dynamics: The unfaithful partner often maintains control of what’s disclosed, what’s denied, and what narrative is shared, leaving the betrayed partner powerless, confused, and emotionally dependent.
Chronic pattern of harm: When the infidelity is compulsive or repeated, and especially when there is a refusal to take accountability or seek help, the betrayals are not isolated events. They become patterns of abuse.

Infidelity as Trauma: Not Just a Breakup

When betrayal occurs, the body responds in ways similar to those who’ve experienced other forms of trauma. Many betrayed spouses experience symptoms such as:

Hypervigilance
Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts
Panic attacks
Emotional numbing
Insomnia
Difficulty trusting others

These are not overreactions. They’re trauma responses.

What Happens When We Don’t Call It Abuse

When therapists, pastors, or loved ones minimize infidelity as “just sex” or encourage premature forgiveness without accountability, betrayed spouses are retraumatized. This is especially harmful in religious or traditional communities, where women in particular may be encouraged to “submit” or “show grace,” even when ongoing harm is occurring.

Naming infidelity as abuse isn’t about creating more division. It’s about accurately defining the harm so healing can begin. Abuse thrives in silence and minimization. Healing begins in truth.

So, Is Every Act of Infidelity Abuse?

Not all infidelity is equal. A one-time lapse with immediate disclosure and deep remorse may not hold the same level of harm as a years-long double life. But even in “milder” cases, the effect on the betrayed partner may still be one of trauma, deception, and violation.

It’s not the label that matters most—it’s the impact. If betrayal creates emotional destabilization, fear, loss of safety, sexual coercion, or a pattern of control and manipulation, then it is not just “sin” or “wrong”—it’s abuse.

What to Do If You Recognize This in Your Relationship

Trust your gut. If something feels off, invalidating, or manipulative—it likely is.
Seek a trauma-informed therapist. Look for a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) or a therapist trained in betrayal trauma (APSATS)
Don’t isolate. Find a support group for betrayed spouses. You are not alone, and you are not crazy.
Educate yourself. Understanding the dynamics of emotional and sexual abuse is empowering and clarifying.

Resources

Books

“Your Sexually Addicted Spouse” by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means
Foundational work showing how betrayal trauma mimics PTSD and functions as abuse.
“Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal” by Dr. Sheri Keffer
Written by a clinician and survivor, this book highlights the abusive patterns of deception, manipulation, and coercion.
“The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
Not specific to betrayal, but essential in understanding how trauma—including relational and sexual—impacts the brain and body.
“Mending a Shattered Heart” by Stefanie Carnes
Collection of essays from leading betrayal trauma and sex addiction specialists, exploring how infidelity causes deep emotional and psychological harm.

Articles and Peer-Reviewed Research

Steffens, B., & Rennie, R. (2006). "The Traumatization of Partners of Sex Addicts: A Response to Schneider et al. and Corley." Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity.
Identifies betrayal trauma symptoms in spouses of sexually addicted individuals and supports viewing the impact as trauma and abuse.
Anderson, T. L., & Daneshpour, M. (2016). "Infidelity: An exploration of the trauma for partners." Journal of Feminist Family Therapy.
Explores the traumatic, abusive impact infidelity has on betrayed partners.
American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT):
Acknowledges that infidelity causes intense emotional distress and can be a form of relational trauma.
Manning, J. C. (2006). The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13(2–3), 131–165
Owens, E. W., Behun, R. J., Manning, J. C., & Reid, R. C. (2012). The Impact of Internet Pornography on Adolescents: A Review of the Research. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 19, 99–112 drjillmanning.com.
Reid, R. C., Carpenter, B. N., Hook, J. N., Garos, S., Manning, J. C., & Gilliland, R., et al. (2012). Report of Findings in a DSM‑5 Field Trial for Hypersexual Disorder. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 9(11), 2868–2877
Manning, J. C. & Watson, W. L. (2007–2008). Qualitative studies on support needs of spouses of sex addicts, published in Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity and Pastoral Psychology
Author of the book Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, based on data from over 5,000 betrayed partners, linking infidelity to PTSD-like symptoms
Crystal Hollenbeck co-authored a clinical professional webinar/article: “Betrayal Trauma Anger: Clinical Implications for Therapeutic Treatment based on the Sexually Betrayed Partner’s Experience Related to Anger after Intimate Betrayal” published in Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy crystalhollenbeck.com.

Online Resources

The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS)
https://apsats.org
Provides resources, education, and therapist directories for those experiencing betrayal trauma.
Bloom for Women
https://bloomforwomen.com
Online platform with courses, community, and education about betrayal trauma.
The BTR Podcast (Betrayal Trauma Recovery)
https://www.btr.org/podcast/
Interviews and discussions exploring infidelity as abuse and empowering women to reclaim safety and clarity.

Final Thought

Infidelity isn’t “just” cheating. It’s not just a broken promise—it’s a breaking of reality, safety, and self. When deceit is chronic, power is abused, and the betrayed partner is blamed, the word is not “mistake.” It’s abuse.

Let’s start calling it what it is—so we can start healing what it’s done.

Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
Root to Bloom Therapy
Helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, betrayal, and sexual addiction—one honest conversation at a time.