Discernment Exercise for the Betraying Spouse: Are You Willing to Do the Work?

Jul 7

This is an exercise I use in my work with clients who are in the middle of one of the most difficult decisions of their lives: Do I stay in this relationship and rebuild from the damage I caused, or do I leave?

You might feel stuck. Confused. Numb. Overwhelmed. You might be unsure of what you want, or afraid to face the full weight of what it would take to truly rebuild trust. You may also be grieving your affair partner or feeling guilt over the pain you’ve caused.

This exercise isn’t going to make the decision for you. But it will help you get real with yourself.

And if there’s even a part of you that wants to stay, and you’re willing to do the hard, humble, ongoing work of repair — you owe it to yourself, your spouse, and the life you’ve built to slow down and truly assess what’s at stake.

Step 1: Draw Four Quadrants

On a piece of paper, draw two large boxes and divide each into four quadrants. Label the first box:

Staying in the Marriage
- What I Would Gain
- What I Would Lose or Let Go Of
- What Would Be Positive
- What Would Be Negative

Label the second box:

Leaving the Marriage
- What I Would Gain
- What I Would Lose or Let Go Of
- What Would Be Positive
- What Would Be Negative

Fill in as much as you can in each section. Don’t censor yourself. Let it all out — the hopes, the fears, the grief, the resistance, the longing, the guilt, and the unknowns.

Use These Prompts to Guide Your Thinking:

Qualities about your spouse (even ones you struggle to receive or appreciate right now)
Self-identity (how you see yourself as a husband/wife, parent, partner, provider, protector)
Financial security or risk
Home, assets, and lifestyle
Shared history
Emotional and sexual intimacy
Future goals and dreams you once shared
Relationships with your children or extended family
Core values and personal beliefs
Stability, safety, or chaos
Your attachments (including to your affair partner, your spouse, and your roles)
The known vs. the unknown
Reputational impact (in your community, church, or profession)
Opportunities for growth, healing, or personal integrity

Step 2: Value Assessment

Now, review what you wrote in each category. Ask yourself:

Which of these things matter the most to me, at the deepest level?
What do I value more — short-term comfort or long-term integrity?
What kind of man/woman/human do I want to become in five years, or twenty?
What kind of legacy do I want to leave in my relationships?

Rank your top values. Place a weight on them. This will help you clarify what is non-negotiable to you — not just what’s easier in the moment.

The number of items in each category isn’t what matters most. The weight and meaning of those items is what counts.

Step 3: Reflect, Then Revisit

Step away from the exercise for a day or two. Let it sit with you. Don’t rush to conclusions — clarity often emerges in quiet moments. When you’re ready, return to what you wrote and consider what’s standing out to you now. What has shifted? What feels more clear?

Visioning the Future: What Kind of Life Do You Want to Create?

If you're willing to stay — and truly do the work — envision what rebuilding might look like. Not perfectly. Not pain-free. But real, honest repair over time.

Ask yourself:

What kind of partner do I want to be moving forward?
Am I willing to face my personal vulnerabilities and patterns that contributed to my betrayal?
Am I ready to show up with humility, consistency, and emotional availability, even when I don't get instant forgiveness?
Can I take full ownership of what I did — without blaming my spouse or waiting for them to “move on” before I’ve done the work?

Now imagine the future:

One year, five years, twenty years from now — what would life look like if you stayed and showed up fully?
What would it be like to co-parent or age alongside your spouse with mutual respect and healing?
What would it feel like to watch your kids or grandkids at milestones, together?
Could you live with seeing your spouse repartnered? Watching your children or family form attachments with someone else in your absence?
What might you miss about your spouse, your home, or your life as you know it?

And what about yourself?

Would you be proud of the way you handled this season?
Would you look back and know you gave your best effort?

Honest Questions to Sit With

Do I love and like my partner — their character, their values, the way they try?
Do I believe we can grow into better versions of ourselves together, even if we’re broken right now?
Would I regret walking away before giving it everything I had?
Would I want someone to fight for me the way I’m being invited to fight for them?

Your Courage Will Be Required Either Way

Staying and rebuilding will take everything — patience, humility, grief work, therapy, vulnerability, and a total shift in how you live and love.

Leaving will take everything too — grief, disruption, loss, and facing the unknown.

The difference is what you want to build, who you want to be, and whether you are willing to work for the kind of life you say you value.

This isn’t about pressure or guilt. It’s about integrity. It's about clarity. And it’s about doing the brave inner work so that no matter what path you choose, you know you did so with full awareness, full heart, and full responsibility.

Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
Root to Bloom Therapy
Helping individuals and couples heal from infidelity, betrayal, and sexual addiction—one honest conversation at a time.