Why Grieving Betrayal Is Necessary for Healing
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Pensacola, FL & Telehealth Across Florida
When betrayal hits—whether it’s infidelity, pornography, or secret-keeping—the pain is immediate and overwhelming.
At first, your body goes into survival mode:
“I just need to get through the day.”
“I can’t fall apart right now.”
“If I stay busy enough, maybe it won’t hurt so much.”
These are normal trauma responses.
They’re protective. They’re human.
But here’s the hard truth:
If you don’t eventually grieve the betrayal, you won’t actually heal from it.
Pain that’s not processed becomes pain that stays.
Why Unprocessed Betrayal Feels Like an Infection
Think of betrayal like a deep wound.
If you ignore it—cover it up, pretend it’s fine, or slap a spiritual Band-Aid over it—it doesn’t actually go away.
It festers. It infects.
That infection can show up as:
Long-term bitterness or resentment
Emotional shutdown or numbness
Rage at the smallest triggers
Fear of connection with anyone—especially God
Self-blame or shame spirals
Ongoing hypervigilance, even when there’s no new threat
Loss of joy, peace, or identity
When you don’t grieve the wound, you carry it everywhere you go.
What Happens When You Avoid Grief?
Avoiding grief might look like:
Rushing to fix the marriage so you don’t have to feel the loss
Forgiving too fast because you think you’re “supposed to”
Pretending you’re over it to keep the peace
Comparing your story to others and telling yourself “it could be worse”
Spiritually bypassing the pain with clichés instead of honest lament
But when you avoid grief, you avoid healing.
The wound stays open beneath the surface, even if no one else can see it.
Healed Wounds Don’t Leave Infection
When a wound is truly cleaned, cared for, and given time to heal—it stops festering.
It might leave a scar, but it no longer controls your life.
It no longer bleeds when someone brushes against it.
It no longer poisons your body from the inside out.
Healed wounds tell a story of survival—not a story of stuckness.
Grieving Betrayal: What Does That Actually Mean?
Grief is not just about crying.
It’s about honestly naming what was lost.
That might include:
The version of your partner you thought you had
The marriage you believed was real
The years you spent trusting someone who wasn’t living in truth
The physical, emotional, and spiritual safety that got shattered
The life you thought you were building together
The Cost of Not Grieving
When you don’t give yourself permission to grieve, you risk:
Carrying chronic emotional pain into every future relationship
Building walls that keep love out as much as they keep pain out
Becoming bitter at yourself, your partner, or God
Staying stuck in trauma loops where you relive the betrayal again and again
Losing parts of yourself in an effort to stay “strong”
How Do You Start Grieving?
1. Tell the Truth About the Loss
Write it down. Say it out loud. Name it in therapy. Pray it without censoring yourself.
Grieving sounds like:
“I lost more than trust—I lost pieces of myself.”
“I don’t know who we are anymore.”
“This broke my heart and my spirit, and I need time to put the pieces back together.”
2. Stop Rushing Yourself
Grief is not a race.
There’s no spiritual prize for getting over betrayal fast.
God isn’t timing you.
Grief takes as long as it takes—and that’s holy work, not weakness.
3. Let Your Body Process the Trauma
Grief isn’t just mental. It lives in your nervous system.
That might mean:
Crying when you need to
Shaking or moving your body to release stored trauma
Practicing grounding exercises when the waves feel too big
Breathing through the pain instead of stuffing it down
4. Invite God Into the Grief—Not Just the Outcome
Many betrayed partners pray for the outcome:
“Fix my marriage.”
“Make them stop the behavior.”
“Help me forgive.”
But you can also pray for grief support:
“God, sit with me in this loss.”
“Help me not carry this alone.”
“Hold my heart while it breaks.”
Remember: Jesus wept at loss. He didn’t rush to solutions before honoring the sorrow.
5. Work with Someone Who Gets It
Betrayal trauma isn’t ordinary grief. It’s layered. Complex. Personal.
You need safe support from someone trained in this work—who won’t minimize your pain or push you into premature forgiveness or reconciliation.
Grieve It So You Can Heal It
Wounds that aren’t grieved stay infected.
Wounds that are grieved get cleaned, cared for, and closed.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the pain forever.
But you do have to go through the grief—not around it.
Healing is possible. Joy is possible. Peace is possible.
But only if you’re willing to let yourself mourn what was lost.
Need Support?
At Root to Bloom Therapy, we help betrayed partners grieve the real, deep losses of betrayal trauma—so you can heal fully, not just survive.
Contact: www.roottobloomtherapy.com
Instagram: @talkingwithtesa
Phone: 850-530-7236
