Why Empathy Matters in Healing from Betrayal: What Trauma Does to the Brain (and How We Repair Together)
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC | Root to Bloom Therapy
Trauma Doesn’t Just Change Our Emotions—It Changes Our Brains
If you’ve ever found yourself reacting in ways that surprise even you—snapping, shutting down, or spiraling into panic over something small—you’re not alone. Especially after betrayal, your brain doesn’t just “remember” the event. It relives it.
Trauma rewires the brain’s survival system. It makes certain memories stay stuck in the part of the brain that doesn’t have a timestamp. This is why some triggers—like seeing a partner pick up their phone or hearing a certain tone of voice—can make your body feel like the betrayal is happening all over again, even if it was months or years ago.
Let me give you an example from my own life.
A Personal Story: Why I Couldn’t Eat Chinese Food for Years
When I was a kid, my hamster died—and it devastated me. I didn’t know how to process grief yet. I just knew that one day he was here, and the next day, he was gone.
Not long after, my family ordered Chinese food. As I was eating, I noticed a small, clear string still attached to a piece of chicken. My brother, being a typical sibling trying to get a reaction, said, “That’s your hamster. They cooked your hamster.”
It may sound like a dark joke, but for me, in that moment, it was traumatic. My brain linked the grief of losing my pet to the food in front of me. And from that day on, for years, I couldn’t look at Chinese food without feeling sick. My body reacted before my brain could make sense of it.
That’s because trauma gets stored in the right hemisphere of the brain, the part that processes sensory experiences—sights, smells, textures, and emotions—without language or logic. The right side of the brain doesn’t recognize time. It holds onto experiences as if they’re still happening, which is why every takeout container or whiff of soy sauce could instantly bring me back to that moment.
Healing came as I was eventually able to talk about the experience, name the grief, and reprocess the memory. Over time, my left brain (the part that organizes facts and context) caught up with my right brain. This integration allowed me to enjoy Chinese food again without my body reacting as if I were back in that childhood moment.
This same process is vital when healing betrayal trauma.
Betrayal Trauma Hijacks the Brain
When someone discovers infidelity, compulsive pornography use, or other betrayals in a relationship, the brain experiences it as a threat to survival. And biologically, it is. Humans are wired for connection, and betrayal is experienced as emotional abandonment and danger.
Trauma reduces the brain’s ability to integrate memories. Specifically, the corpus callosum—the bridge between the left and right sides of the brain—gets disrupted. This is why you might:
React to your partner setting their phone down as if they’re hiding something (because once, they were).
Struggle to tell the difference between past danger and present safety.
Feel like you’re reliving the betrayal, not just remembering it.
This isn’t about “overreacting” or being unforgiving. It’s about a neurobiological injury that needs time, support, and healing.
The Brain’s Safety Mechanism: Why Triggers Feel So Big
Your brain’s job is to keep you safe. It does this by trying to predict threats based on past experiences. When memories are disorganized—when your left brain (logic, language, time awareness) and right brain (sensory, emotional, wordless memory) aren’t communicating—you’ll experience panic, confusion, and distress even in “normal” moments.
The brain will keep scanning for danger until it feels safe again. And here’s where empathy comes in.
Empathy vs. Sympathy: Why the Difference Matters
Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but they’re not the same.
Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone from a distance. It says, “That must be hard for you.”
Empathy is feeling with someone. It says, “I can feel, even in part, what you’re going through, and I’m here in it with you.”
Empathy isn’t about agreeing, fixing, or rescuing. It doesn’t mean you endorse harmful behavior or abandon your own needs. And it certainly isn’t mind-reading. Empathy is a shared human experience, and research shows it’s accessible to almost everyone, not just a special few.
The Neuroscience of Empathy: How Our Brains Connect
Empathy is a neural process, not just an emotional one. When you see someone suffering, your mirror neuron system, anterior insula, and anterior cingulate cortex light up. These parts of your brain help you:
Sense someone else’s pain
Emotionally resonate with them
Understand their experience from their perspective
This shared resonance is what allows two people—especially after betrayal—to begin repairing the emotional gap.
Empathy’s Role in Betrayal Recovery
When betrayal happens, the relationship often becomes a battlefield of defensiveness, shutdowns, or emotional explosions. But empathy changes the game.
Empathy allows both people to:
Stay present during emotional conversations
Validate pain without dismissing or minimizing
Offer real apologies based on understanding, not just obligation
Move from blame to curiosity, asking, “What happened to me? What happened to you? How did we get here together?”
For the betrayer, empathy often leads to personal growth and insight. They begin to see the deeper roots of their behavior, not as an excuse, but as an explanation that can fuel lasting change.
For the betrayed partner, receiving empathy helps restore trust. It tells the nervous system: “You’re not alone anymore. Someone sees your pain.”
Healing Happens Together
Empathy doesn’t just repair relationships—it rewires the brain.
Over time, as couples practice empathy, the brain’s trauma response softens. Memory integration begins. Triggers lose their grip. The betrayed partner starts to feel safer, and the betrayer develops deeper self-awareness and accountability.
This is how healing happens—not in isolation, but together.
Give Your Brain (and Heart) Time
If you’re in the thick of betrayal trauma right now, be gentle with yourself. Your reactions aren’t flaws; they’re signals of injury. And just like any wound, trauma requires time, safety, and consistent care.
Empathy is one of the most powerful tools we have for healing. It allows both partners to grow, understand, and reconnect—not by pretending the past didn’t happen, but by facing it together.
Need Support?
At Root to Bloom Therapy, we specialize in helping couples and individuals heal from betrayal, infidelity, and trauma. We offer individual therapy, couples sessions, and support groups—both faith-integrated and non-religious approaches available.
Call or Text: (850) 530-7236
Email: hello@roottobloomtherapy.com
Instagram: @talkingwithtesa
