When They Won’t Change: Taking Back Your Power After Betrayal | Root to Bloom Therapy

Aug 25

When the Unchangeable Feels Unforgivable:

Taking Back Your Power After Betrayal
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Pensacola, FL & Telehealth Across Florida

When you’ve been betrayed—whether through pornography, infidelity, long-term deception, or emotional abandonment—some wounds feel unfixable.

Maybe your partner:

Refuses to get help
Won’t tell the whole truth
Says they’re sorry but keeps repeating the same cycles
Minimizes your pain or shifts the blame back to you

And so, you get stuck in this exhausting inner loop:

“How do I forgive the unforgivable?”
“How do I heal if they’re not changing?”
“How do I move forward when the story still feels open-ended?”

This is real emotional suffering.
And when you live in it long enough, it can feel like you’re chained to someone else’s choices.

When the Unchangeable Feels Like a Life Sentence

There’s a grief that comes when the person who hurt you refuses to change.

It feels like:

“If they won’t change, then I’m stuck forever in this pain.”
“If they don’t own it, I’ll never get closure.”
“If they won’t stop the harm, then I’m powerless to heal.”

This is where trauma traps us: in the belief that our life is now permanently attached to someone else’s behavior.

But here’s the truth:

You don’t have to participate in that narrative anymore.

The Difference Between Emotional Pain and Emotional Suffering

Pain is inevitable in betrayal. It’s valid. It’s human. And it deserves compassionate care.

But emotional suffering happens when you start to believe you have no power, no choices, and no agency left.

It sounds like:

“I can’t heal until they fix it.”
“I have no say in how this affects me now.”
“I’m trapped in their story forever.”

When you live in that place long enough, trauma becomes your identity—not just your experience.

Taking Back Your Power: What It Really Means

Let’s be clear:

Taking back your power is not about pretending the betrayal didn’t happen.
It’s not about minimizing the pain. And it’s definitely not about excusing the behavior.

It’s about saying:

“I didn’t choose this trauma, but I get to choose what happens next.”
“Their refusal to change won’t be the author of my story.”
“I won’t let my healing be held hostage by someone else’s behavior.”

What Taking Back Your Power Looks Like:

1. Accepting Reality—Without Accepting Harm

Acceptance is not the same as permission.
It’s the willingness to look at your situation clearly and stop waiting for a different past or a different person.

Acceptance sounds like:

“This happened. It hurts. But I won’t keep living in denial or fantasy.”
“If they choose not to change, I’ll still choose to heal.”

2. Choosing to Forgive Yourself for Being Human

You may have made decisions you regret during this season. You may feel like you stayed too long, said too much, or trusted too easily.

But self-forgiveness is part of healing.

It means:

Letting go of shame for how you coped
Releasing guilt for the trauma you didn’t cause
Giving yourself grace to be exactly where you are

3. Deciding How You Want to Live—Even if They Don’t Change

This is where real freedom starts.

Ask yourself:

“What kind of life do I want, regardless of their behavior?”
“What boundaries do I need to feel safe again?”
“What am I no longer willing to carry?”
“What new chapter am I ready to write—whether or not they ever own their part?”

4. Letting Go of the Need for Justice to Look a Certain Way

It’s normal to want closure. It’s normal to crave accountability.
But justice may not come in the form you imagined.

Sometimes justice is:

Living well
Reclaiming joy
Protecting your peace
Refusing to let bitterness steal your future

God sees the whole story. His justice is bigger than what you can see right now.
Trusting Him with the outcomes allows you to step out of the role of enforcer and into the role of healer and survivor.

Faith and the Unforgivable

You may be asking:

“Does God expect me to forgive the unchangeable?”
“What if I’m still too angry, too hurt, too stuck?”

The answer: God never asks you to pretend.
He invites you to be honest. He walks with you in the process.

Forgiveness is not about erasing consequences or erasing your boundaries.
It’s about saying:

“I refuse to let this poison my soul any longer. I hand the justice over to God—not because it’s fair, but because I want to live free.”

When You’re Tired of Emotionally Suffering

There comes a moment when you realize:

“I’m exhausted from carrying this pain every day. I’m ready to stop letting their behavior control my life.”

That’s not weakness.
That’s wisdom.

You can:

Choose boundaries without hatred
Choose healing without enabling
Choose peace without pretending nothing happened
Choose a new story, even while grieving the old one

Final Thoughts:

Sometimes the unchangeable feels unforgivable.
That’s normal. That’s human. But you don’t have to stay emotionally chained to their refusal to change.

You get to take your life back.
You get to write a new chapter.
You get to heal—for you, not for them.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

Need Support?

At Root to Bloom Therapy, we help betrayed partners stop living in trauma loops and start reclaiming their peace. We offer safe, compassionate, faith-integrated care that honors both your pain and your power.

Contact: www.roottobloomtherapy.com
Instagram: @talkingwithtesa
Phone: 850-530-7236

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When They Won’t Change: Taking Back Your Power After Betrayal | Root to Bloom Therapy

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When betrayal feels unforgivable because nothing is changing, healing is still possible. Learn how to stop emotional suffering and reclaim your power—even if your partner won’t change.