When “Just Surrender” Hurts: The Problem of Spiritual Bypassing in Betrayal Trauma Recovery
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Christian Betrayal Trauma Counseling in Florida
If you’re a betrayed spouse walking through the wreckage of infidelity, you’ve likely heard something like this:
“You’ll never be fully healed until you surrender this to God.”
“You just need to give it to Jesus and let it go.”
“You’re still hurting because you haven’t fully surrendered.”
And while those words may come with good intentions, they often land like a punch to the gut.
Because the message underneath them isn’t comforting—it’s shaming.
It implies that your pain is a spiritual failure.
That your struggle is proof of weak faith.
That your trauma is lingering only because you haven’t surrendered “enough.”
The TRUTH?
Still struggling does not mean you’re not surrendering. We choose to surrender over and over. It will never be a one and done.
And “surrender” does not mean erasing or bypassing the very real trauma that betrayal causes.
What Is Spiritual Bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing is when spiritual language, beliefs, or practices are used to avoid emotional pain, dismiss trauma, or rush healing.
In the context of betrayal trauma, it often sounds like:
“God’s forgiven him, so you need to also.”
“You’re holding onto bitterness.”
“If you just trusted God more, you’d have peace.”
“The enemy is using your emotions against you.”
This kind of language can be deeply damaging, especially when coming from pastors, family members, or even the betraying spouse. Instead of validating your trauma and walking with you through it, it pressures you to “rise above” it before you're ready—or able.
Jesus never minimized pain.
He never told someone to stop crying because it made others uncomfortable.
He sat with people in grief, touched people in their brokenness, and always prioritized compassion over performance.
Surrender Isn’t One-and-Done
Many betrayed spouses want nothing more than to surrender—to let go, to heal, to trust again. But trauma healing doesn’t happen in one moment at the altar. It happens over time, with intention, courage, and care.
Surrender is not a checkbox. It’s a process.
Sometimes you surrender your anger on Tuesday—and then pick it right back up on Thursday when a new memory hits.
Sometimes you surrender your need for answers, and then spiral again when another gap in the timeline surfaces.
That’s not rebellion.
That’s grief.
That’s trauma.
That’s being human.
And God is not impatient with your process.
Faith and Trauma Are Not Opposed
You can love Jesus and feel crushed by betrayal.
You can trust God and still have triggers.
You can surrender daily and still wrestle with waves of grief, rage, and fear.
Faith is not the absence of struggle.
It’s the willingness to keep showing up in the midst of it.
True, embodied surrender often looks like:
Letting God hold your pain instead of pretending it’s not there.
Being honest about your limits, not pushing past them to appear “strong.”
Crying out in confusion, not wrapping your experience in false peace.
Saying, “God, I believe. Help my unbelief.”
What Betrayed Spouses Need to Hear
If you’ve been spiritually bypassed—by your spouse, your church, or even yourself—this is what I want you to know:
You are not less faithful because you're hurting.
God is not disappointed in your trauma.
Your emotions are not the enemy—they’re messengers.
Your slow healing does not mean you’re resisting God—it means you’re being honest.
And maybe the most essential truth:
You don’t have to pretend to be okay to be surrendered.
For the Betraying Spouse: Don’t Use God as a Shortcut
If you are the one who betrayed your partner, it’s crucial that you do not weaponize spiritual language to get out of discomfort. Saying things like, “You need to surrender this,” or “God says not to keep a record of wrongs,” is not spiritual leadership—it’s spiritual manipulation.
Instead, surrender your need to be seen as “changed,” and let your change be shown in how you show up:
With patience.
With empathy.
With ownership.
With zero demands on your spouse’s timeline.
Let your repentance be visible in your willingness to sit with the pain your choices created.
A God Who Doesn’t Rush You
At Root to Bloom Therapy, we believe in both trauma healing and spiritual restoration. But we reject the idea that someone must abandon their emotional process to prove their faith.
God is not in a hurry with your heart. He’s not asking you to bypass your story. He’s asking you to bring your whole self to Him—mess and all.
And that is surrender.
Root to Bloom Therapy
Faith-Based, Trauma-Informed Counseling for Betrayal, Infidelity & Addiction
📍 Pensacola & Jacksonville, FL | 💻 Telehealth Across Florida
www.roottobloomtherapy.com
