Understanding the Unfaithful Husband: A Betrayed Spouse’s Guide to His Emotions After Infidelity
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
When you’ve been betrayed, your world flips upside down. Trust is shattered, your sense of safety vanishes, and every part of your body and soul aches with confusion, grief, and anger. It’s understandable—and expected—that the focus shifts entirely to your pain. And it should. You’ve been wounded, and your healing matters.
However, as a therapist who guides couples through betrayal and recovery, I also recognize that there’s another crucial aspect of the healing journey that often gets overlooked—one that can deepen your understanding, shift your perspective, and even alleviate the pain over time. That’s the part where you begin to see your husband—not just as the man who broke your heart—but as a person with his own complex emotional experience.
This doesn’t mean excusing what he did. It means humanizing it. And from that place, healing becomes more honest—and more complete.
What’s Going On Inside Him?
Many betrayed partners assume that after infidelity, the husband must feel nothing—like he doesn’t care, or he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. But the truth is, for many men, what follows the betrayal is a swirl of shame, confusion, and emotional paralysis.
He may feel:
Overwhelmed with guilt, but not know how to express it without making things worse.
Ashamed, to the point that he avoids eye contact, conversation, or responsibility, because it feels unbearable to face your pain.
Disconnected from his own emotions, especially if he’s never been taught how to sit with grief, regret, or vulnerability.
Afraid—not of consequences, but of losing you forever and being unable to repair the damage he’s caused.
This fear can make him shut down, get defensive, or go numb. And from the outside, that looks like he doesn’t care. But inside? He may be fighting a war of self-loathing, desperately trying to figure out how to fix something that feels unfixable.
Why He Struggles to Show Up
One of the most painful parts of post-betrayal recovery is how often the betraying spouse fails to respond with the level of care and reassurance the betrayed partner needs. That’s real. It hurts. And it’s a major roadblock to rebuilding trust.
But in many cases, his struggle to show up for you isn’t because he doesn’t love you. It’s because he doesn’t know how.
He may not understand the depth of your pain. He may think, “I said I was sorry,” or “I’m here, aren’t I?”—not realizing that healing requires far more than presence. It requires proactive emotional engagement. And if that wasn’t modeled for him, it may feel like learning a new language with no guide.
Seeing His Effort—Even When It’s Small
If your husband is doing the work—seeking therapy, being open, staying present—it may not always feel like enough. And sometimes, it isn’t. But sometimes it is a beginning. A seed of real change. A sign that he’s trying to step out of shame and into repair.
Seeing even the small signs of effort doesn’t mean you’re minimizing your pain. It means you’re choosing to acknowledge a fuller picture. And that might help you move from simply surviving to beginning to rebuild.
You Still Deserve Accountability
Understanding his experience is not a substitute for accountability. Compassion without boundaries leads to more pain. But curiosity and empathy paired with clarity about your needs can lead to deeper connection and lasting change.
You can say:
“I know you’re struggling, and I want to understand. But I still need you to show up for me in ways that help me feel safe.”
That’s not weakness. That’s strength. That’s healing.
There is no healing without validation of your pain. But there is also no deep restoration without understanding the pain on both sides. As you walk through this excruciating season, you are allowed to grieve and rage—but you’re also allowed to see the man across from you as someone in pain too. Someone who may not yet know how to love well, but may be trying to learn.
