The Power of Consideration After Betrayal: Why It Matters More Than You Think
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
Specializing in Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma & Addiction Recovery
When a relationship is shattered by infidelity, the pain it causes is not just about the betrayal itself. For the betrayed partner, the ripple effects are deep and enduring. One of the most overlooked—yet most damaging—consequences is the sense of insecurity that settles into the core of their being. It's not insecurity in a superficial sense—it's a raw, soul-level question that gets asked again and again:
Am I wanted? Am I enough? Am I being considered at all?
If you’re the spouse who has caused the betrayal, I want to talk to you with gentleness but honesty. Because if you’re here—reading this—some part of you cares. And that’s a good place to start.
Insecurity Isn’t Drama—It’s Trauma
Let me say that again for those who are passively reading. Listen up, your spouse's responses may seem dramatic to you, if it does, that should tell you how hurt they are. I promise you, your spouse does not want to feel this way, or act this way. They most likely feel like they have lost themselves entirely. After infidelity, the betrayed spouse often begins to question their worth, their place in the relationship, and whether they will ever be safe again, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and relationally. This is not “overreacting” or being “too sensitive.” It’s a trauma response. They are seeking safety. Their brain is doing its job; it is protecting them from harm, and that means they are asking themselves tons of questions to gather information, and they need something tangible. This can be achieved through consistent changes in behavior, with intention and effort, over time.
When their world was flipped upside down, so was their internal sense of safety. Suddenly, they were no longer sure of what was real. The person they trusted the most had become the person who hurt them the most. That creates a wound that doesn’t just heal with time. It heals with intentional effort, especially from the one who caused the injury.
What Consideration Really Means
Here’s what you need to know: one of the most healing gifts you can offer your partner is consideration—true, proactive, thoughtful consideration of how your actions (even the small ones) affect them.
This goes beyond just avoiding “bad behavior.” It means beginning to look at the world through their eyes and ask questions like:
If I go silent right now, how might that feel for them?
If I make a decision without checking in, what story might they tell themselves?
If I prioritize work/friends/comfort over being present with them, what message does that send?
This is not about walking on eggshells. It’s about walking with empathy. Every time you choose to consider your spouse’s experience, you are sending a message that says:
"You matter to me. I see you. I want to make you feel safe again."
When There’s a Lack of Consideration
When this kind of care and attentiveness is absent, it doesn’t go unnoticed. In fact, it reinforces the very beliefs the betrayal left behind:
I’m not important.
He/she still doesn’t get it.
I must not be worth the effort.
They’re not willing to change.
I’m always the last one to be chosen.
Each of these unspoken beliefs is soaked in fear, and understandably so. Because when your partner continues to act without thought for your well-being after already wounding you deeply, it doesn’t just frustrate. It breaks trust all over again.
Healing takes more than just ending the affair. It requires a complete shift in how you show up for the one you hurt.
Reassurance Is Everything
If you are serious about healing your marriage and rebuilding trust, you must understand this: Your partner doesn’t just need to be acknowledged. They need to be reassured. Not once. But over and over again.
They need to hear—and more importantly, see—that their pain is valid. That their fears make sense. And that they are chosen. Again and again.
This means showing up even when it’s uncomfortable. Asking how they’re feeling. Checking in before making decisions. Giving them access to the details that help them feel secure. Speaking words that affirm:
"You are not invisible. You are not replaceable. You are not alone in this anymore."
Final Thoughts
I know this kind of emotional work is hard. It asks you to stretch, to face shame, to develop empathy you may never have practiced before. But this is the road to repair. And it’s not just about saving a marriage. It’s about becoming someone who is trustworthy and emotionally safe.
To the betrayed spouse reading this: your needs are real. Your pain makes sense. Wanting to be considered isn’t needy—it’s human.
To the betraying spouse: if you want to help your partner heal, start here. Start by asking, “How might this affect them?” and let the answer guide your actions.
Because when you begin to consider their heart, you begin to restore it.
At Root to Bloom Therapy, I walk with couples through the rubble of betrayal toward a path of real healing. If you're ready to take that next step, I’d be honored to walk with you.
