Why Fantasizing and Masturbating—even about Your Wife—Can Still Feed Porn Addiction
If you’re working to recover from porn addiction, you might think, "But I’m not actually watching porn. Sometimes I just imagine my wife or a fantasy, and that’s different." The truth is, even fantasy and masturbation without porn can still keep your brain stuck in the addiction cycle—and yes, it can be considered a relapse.
How Fantasy Works Like Porn in the Brain
When someone addicted to porn thinks about erotic images or memories—even if it’s about their actual spouse—it activates the same reward pathways in the brain as watching porn. The brain releases chemicals that give you a “rush,” creating strong cravings and reinforcing the addiction.
Research shows that for people struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, just thinking about sexual images lights up the brain areas linked to pleasure and reward—the same way real porn does. So even though you’re not scrolling on a screen, your brain is reacting like you are.
Why Masturbating to Fantasy Can Keep the Addiction Going
When masturbation is tied to using fantasy or porn-related memories to get that quick “fix” of pleasure, a sexual “need”, or “relief”, it becomes a way to self-soothe and or escape uncomfortable feelings. For many porn addicts, chronic masturbation becomes the core behavior they rely on to calm anxiety, loneliness, or stress.
That means if you’re masturbating to erotic fantasies—whether about porn scenes or even your wife—it’s still activating those addictive patterns. It’s like pressing the “repeat” button on the addiction, even if you’re not watching new porn.
What Is “Euphoric Recall” and Why It Matters
One tricky part of addiction is something called euphoric recall. This is when you remember only the “good parts” of past porn use or fantasy—the excitement, the pleasure—while ignoring the harm it caused. These memories can feel so powerful and rewarding that they pull you back in, making it hard to stay clean.
Because of euphoric recall, your brain can crave the rush of those memories just as much as the actual porn itself. That craving can lead to masturbation as a way to “relive” those feelings, even if it’s all in your head.
So, Is Fantasy and Masturbation a Relapse?
Yes. For someone healing from porn addiction, using fantasy and masturbation as a way to chase that addictive “high” is considered a relapse. It keeps the addiction alive because your brain is still being triggered, the reward circuits are firing, and the cycle of craving and relief continues.
Recovery isn’t just about avoiding the porn videos—it’s about breaking the whole cycle of craving, fantasy, and self-soothing behaviors that fuel the addiction.
How does this impact my marriage?
One of the biggest misunderstandings in recovery from porn addiction or infidelity is the belief that if you're fantasizing about your wife during masturbation, it’s somehow harmless—or even a step toward connection. But the truth is, when you engage in solo sexual activity based on fantasy (even of your spouse), you're still reinforcing one-sided gratification, not relational intimacy. You're training your brain to seek pleasure alone, in your own imagination, without any emotional attunement, communication, or mutual vulnerability that true intimacy requires.
This becomes especially harmful when a couple is trying to heal from the deep wounds of betrayal, such as infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior. The foundation of rebuilding trust and emotional connection involves showing up emotionally, being fully present, and learning to engage sexually in a way that honors safety and mutuality. Masturbating to mental images—no matter who they're about—bypasses all of that. It's still an escape. It pulls you back into the comfort of control, fantasy, and secrecy—the very things that caused so much damage in the first place.
In the healing journey, especially after betrayal, the betrayed spouse is often craving real presence: “Will you be here with me, emotionally and physically? Can I trust that your desire is for us, not just for your own relief?” When masturbation and fantasy continue in secret, even if not technically "porn," it still feels like emotional absence to your partner. It blocks true sexual connection, where both people are seen, known, and safe. And without that, true healing and reconnection in your marriage will stall—because intimacy is a two-person experience, not a solo escape.
If your goal is to heal your marriage and build a new foundation of trust, it’s not just about stopping porn. It’s about learning a whole new way to relate, to soothe, and to express desire—in connection, not in isolation.
“Porn-Induced ED” can still happen with Fantasy
Many people in recovery from porn addiction are surprised to experience erectile dysfunction—even after quitting porn. They assume that because they’re no longer watching explicit videos, their sexual function should return. But here’s the missing piece: fantasy-based masturbation, even when it doesn’t involve visual porn, can still condition the brain and body in ways that interfere with real-life sexual connection.
Porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) isn’t just about what you watch—it’s about how your brain is trained to respond to arousal. When you regularly stimulate yourself through fantasy, you’re still engaging in non-relational, one-sided sexual behavior. Your body learns to become aroused in the context of control, novelty, and imagination, not in the real-time presence of a partner, where emotional connection and mutual responsiveness matter.
This kind of repetition rewires your arousal template. So when you try to be sexually intimate with your partner, your brain and body may not “fire” in the same way. You might struggle with performance, feel disconnected, or experience flat-out erectile dysfunction—not because you're broken, but because you've unintentionally trained your body away from relational sex.
What Can Help?
Recognize that fantasies and masturbation tied to addiction triggers aren’t harmless.
Develop healthier ways to manage stress and emotions without relying on self-soothing through fantasy or masturbation.
Work with therapy techniques that help you reduce cravings and rewire your brain’s responses to triggers.
Be patient—healing takes time, but every step away from addictive patterns helps you regain control.
If you’re struggling with this, know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to ask for help. Understanding how your brain works and why fantasy and masturbation still count as relapse is a big step toward lasting recovery.
Key Research Articles & Resources
Voon, V., Mole, T. B., Banca, P., Porter, L., Morris, L., Mitchell, S., ... & Irvine, M. (2014).
Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours.
PLoS ONE, 9(7), e102419.
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0102419
— Shows how sexual cues (including imagined or real) activate brain reward areas in compulsive sexual behavior.Kühn, S., & Gallinat, J. (2014).
Brain structure and functional connectivity associated with pornography consumption: The brain on porn.
JAMA Psychiatry, 71(7), 827-834.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/1874570
— Demonstrates how pornography use is linked to brain changes related to reward and control.Brand, M., Snagowski, J., Laier, C., & Maderwald, S. (2016).
Ventral striatum activity when watching preferred pornographic pictures is correlated with symptoms of Internet pornography addiction.
Neuroimage, 129, 224-232.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2016.01.026
— Highlights brain reward response to pornographic stimuli, similar to other addictions.Robinson, T. E., & Berridge, K. C. (2008).
The incentive sensitization theory of addiction: Some current issues.
Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 363(1507), 3137-3146.
https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/full/10.1098/rstb.2008.0093
— Describes how cues and memories gain “incentive salience,” driving craving and relapse.Banca, P., Legarreta, M., Meyer, C., Langohr, K., & Voon, V. (2016).
Novelty, conditioning and attentional bias to sexual rewards.
Journal of Psychiatric Research, 83, 133-141.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpsychires.2016.09.002
— Explores how conditioned sexual cues affect attention and craving.Hilton, D. L. Jr. (2013).
Pornography addiction – a neuroscience perspective.
Surgical Neurology International, 4(Suppl 4), S204–S210.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3709159/
— Provides an overview of the neurobiology of porn addiction including cue reactivity.Gola, M., Wordecha, M., Sescousse, G., Kossowski, B., Wypych, M., & Marchewka, A. (2017).
Can pornography be addictive? An fMRI study of men seeking treatment for problematic pornography use.
Neuropsychopharmacology, 43(10), 2021-2029.
https://www.nature.com/articles/s41386-018-0030-8
— Functional brain imaging confirms addictive-like brain responses to pornography cues.Garland, E. L., Froeliger, B., & Howard, M. O. (2014).
Neuroplasticity in addiction recovery: Rewiring the brain.
Behavioral Brain Research, 278, 4-13.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bbr.2014.06.025
— Discusses brain changes and importance of managing craving and memories.Park, B. Y., Wilson, G., Berger, J., Christman, M., Reina, B., Bishop, F., ... & Doan, A. P. (2016).
Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports
Behavioral Sciences, 6(3), 17.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5039517/Dwulit, A. D., & Rzymski, P. (2021).
Problematic pornography use: A scoping review
Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 669482.
https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2021.669482/fullKraus, S. W., & Rosenberg, H. (2014).
The Pornography Craving Questionnaire: Psychometric properties
Addictive Behaviors, 39(5), 861–868.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2014.01.007Pizzol, D., Bertoldo, A., Foresta, C. (2016).
The impact of internet pornography on adolescent and adult males
Andrology, 4(4), 614–619.
https://doi.org/10.1111/andr.12193Solano, I., Eaton, N. R., & O’Leary, K. D. (2020).
Pornography consumption, modality, and sexual functioning among men
Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49, 1333–1345.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01570-yGola, M., & Potenza, M. N. (2016).
Parallels between compulsive sexual behaviors and substance use disorders: A neurocognitive perspective
Current Behavioral Neuroscience Reports, 3, 220–228.
https://doi.org/10.1007/s40473-016-0094-4Weiss, R. (2021).
Porn Addiction and Erectile Dysfunction: What's the Link?
Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202108/porn-addiction-and-erectile-dysfunction-whats-the-link
Other Helpful Resources
The Center for Internet and Technology Addiction – Practical info on porn addiction and relapse triggers:
https://netaddiction.com/Fight the New Drug – Science-based education about porn’s effects:
https://fightthenewdrug.org/science/The Incentive Sensitization Theory summary by Berridge & Robinson (good overview for therapists/clients):
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2835813/
