When the Betraying Spouse Isn’t Showing Up: Why Lack of Attunement Keeps the Betrayed Spouse Stuck
By: Tesa Saulmon CSAT Therapist | Specializing in Betrayal Trauma and Infidelity Recovery
Serving Florida, including Pensacola and Jacksonville – Telehealth available statewide
After infidelity, the dynamics in a relationship change dramatically. Trust has been shattered, and the betrayed spouse is often left not only to grieve the loss of the relationship they thought they had but also to carry the weight of trying to hold everything else together.
They’re still working, parenting, running errands, managing a home, and simultaneously trying to heal from a trauma that blew up their world. But one of the biggest roadblocks in this already overwhelming journey? Their partner—the one who betrayed them—still doesn’t get it. They’re not showing up in new ways. They’re not attuned. And that leaves the betrayed spouse stuck in pain, confusion, and loneliness.
What It Means to “Not Show Up”
When a betraying partner isn’t attuned to the betrayed partner’s needs, it often looks like:
Avoiding conversations about the betrayal
Dismissing or minimizing the betrayed spouse’s pain
Waiting for the betrayed spouse to “get over it”
Not taking the initiative in rebuilding trust
Offering logistical support but lacking emotional presence
This isn’t just about forgetting an anniversary or not helping with the dishes. It’s about failing to emotionally engage—to consider the weight of the betrayed spouse’s lived experience, and then act accordingly.
Why Lack of Attunement Hurts So Deeply
Infidelity is a form of relational trauma. And when the betraying spouse doesn’t tune into that pain, it feels like a second abandonment.
The betrayed spouse often thinks, “You hurt me, and now you’re asking me to keep going like I’m fine—without you doing anything differently.”
That creates a heavy emotional dissonance. It’s not just that the betraying spouse cheated—it’s that they continue to live as if everything can go back to how it was without changing the way they engage, listen, or show up.
The Loneliness of Carrying Everything
One of the most common pain points betrayed spouses report in therapy is this:
“I feel like I’m the only one trying.”
They’re exhausted. They’re managing daily life and their inner world of grief, anger, confusion, and broken trust—all while their partner seems disengaged or emotionally unavailable.
Imagine someone stuck in a pit, calling out for help, and the person standing above casually throws down a rope but never pulls. That’s what attunement without action feels like. The betrayed spouse doesn’t need a rope—they need their partner to climb down into the pit, understand what it feels like, and help them out of it, one step at a time.
Avoidance = More Pain
Avoidant behavior after betrayal is often a defense mechanism. The betraying spouse may feel shame, guilt, or fear. But avoidance—even if unintentional—is perceived as neglect. It communicates, “Your pain is too much for me,” which only adds more injury.
Betrayed spouses often ask: “If you can’t see me and care for me now, after all this, when will you ever?”
What the Betraying Spouse Needs to Understand
Your betrayed spouse is not being “too emotional.”
They’re wounded and in crisis. Their nervous system is trying to make sense of trauma.They need you to step up differently.
You caused the harm. So healing can’t be outsourced or left on their to-do list. That’s not fairness—it’s cruelty.Healing requires attunement.
Attunement means seeing their pain, asking about their experience, being present in the hard conversations, and letting them know through action: “I am with you in this. I see you. I want to help heal what I broke.”
What Can Be Done?
For the Betraying Spouse:
Learn about betrayal trauma. Understand that your partner isn’t just sad or mad—they’re traumatized.
Ask, don’t assume. “What do you need today?” goes much farther than, “I thought you were fine.”
Take initiative. Schedule therapy, plan check-ins, be transparent. Rebuilding trust takes consistent action.
Regulate your defensiveness. If you feel attacked, pause and listen. Don’t fight back—lean in.
For the Betrayed Spouse:
You are not wrong for needing more. Your expectations for emotional presence, safety, and repair are reasonable.
Ask for support—but also observe. Is your partner trying? Or are you trying to heal both of you alone?
You are not alone. Many betrayed partners feel the same weight you do—and many have found healing, with or without their partner’s engagement.
Healing Requires a New Kind of Presence
After betrayal, healing isn’t just about stopping harmful behaviors. It’s about creating new relational patterns where emotional presence, attunement, and repair are non-negotiables.
If you're the betraying spouse, consider this your invitation: not just to stop hurting your partner, but to start helping them heal.
If you're the betrayed spouse, know that your need for support, consideration, and emotional safety is not only valid—it’s essential.
Need Help Navigating This Journey?
Whether you're in Pensacola, Jacksonville, or anywhere in Florida, I offer specialized therapy for couples and individuals navigating infidelity and betrayal trauma. You don’t have to do this alone.
Let’s find your path forward—together.
