When Reaching Out Hurts: Why Your Betrayed Partner Pulls Away—and What You Can Do to Help
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy – Florida Betrayal Trauma & Infidelity Recovery
You may not have meant to hurt them again, but you did.
Not with another affair, not with more secrets, but with silence. With eye rolls. With walking away when they were crying. With defensiveness when they needed tenderness.
And now you’re wondering:
Why is my spouse pulling away when I’m trying to fix things? Why do they say they feel re-traumatized? Haven’t I already said I’m sorry?
As a therapist who works with couples recovering from betrayal, I can tell you this dynamic is incredibly common. And while it’s not easy to hear, understanding what’s happening—and how to respond differently—can be a turning point in your relationship’s recovery.
Let’s break it down.
What Your Partner Is Really Experiencing After Betrayal
When someone is betrayed—whether through infidelity, secrecy, porn or sexual addiction—it doesn’t just break trust. It shatters their sense of safety, reality, and worth. Please read that again…. it shatters their safety, reality, and worth. Can you imagine?
Your partner may now see the world through a trauma lens. They question everything. They feel hyper-vigilant, insecure, and often deeply alone in their pain.
So when they reach out—whether through tears, questions, or even anger—it’s not to “punish” you or keep the past alive. They’re reaching for connection. For reassurance. For proof that you care enough to stay present in the aftermath of the damage.
When You Withdraw, It Reopens the Wound
If your instinct is to shut down, walk away, get quiet, or get angry and defensive when they bring up the betrayal, or need to share their pain, it might feel like you’re protecting yourself. You may be overwhelmed, ashamed, or afraid of “making things worse.” But to your partner, it feels like abandonment all over again.
Here’s what they might be thinking in those moments:
“I’m not worth fighting for.”
“She mattered more than me.”
“Even now, he won’t show up.”
This is re-traumatization—when their attempts to seek healing are met with emotional unavailability. And it’s one of the main reasons betrayed spouses stay stuck in pain, even when you’re trying to “move forward.”
Why You Might Be Struggling to Respond
Let’s pause here with some compassion for you.
You're not a monster. You're likely in pain, too. Betrayal doesn’t just create trauma for the betrayed—it also reveals emotional gaps in the betrayer. You may carry shame, fear of rejection, or a lifetime of avoiding vulnerability.
But here's the truth: avoiding their pain won’t make yours go away.
Healing requires that you learn to stay present—even when it’s uncomfortable.
What You Can Do to Help Your Partner Heal (And Rebuild Trust)
If you want to repair what’s been broken, here are key shifts that can make a real difference:
1. Learn to Stay Present in Their Pain
When your spouse brings up the betrayal, pain, or has questions, they aren’t trying to attack you—they’re trying to make sense of their world again. They need reassurance. Honest heartfelt reassurance.
Instead of shutting down or defending, try saying:
“I hear how much this still hurts.”
“You don’t deserve to feel so alone in this.”
“Thank you for trusting me with how you feel.”
Empathy doesn’t require fixing. It requires witnessing their pain.
2. Understand That Reaching Out Is Brave for Them
It might feel exhausting when your partner cries or brings up the past, but recognize: they’re not doing it to punish you. They’re trying to connect, to understand, and to protect themselves from being hurt again.
When you reject that reaching, you confirm the very fear they’re fighting: that you don’t truly care.
3. Manage Your Own Shame—So You Don’t Project It
Many partners withdraw because they’re drowning in guilt or shame. You might think:
“I’m a terrible person.”
“I’ll never be able to fix this.”
“No matter what I do, it won’t be enough.”
But when those beliefs run the show, you start reacting from self-protection instead of love. You defend, you minimize, or you go numb.
Work with a therapist. Join a support group. Join 12 Step. Journal. Do the inner work you need to regulate your emotions so you can show up for theirs.
4. Validate Before You Explain
This is big. When your partner says they’re hurt or triggered, your first instinct might be to explain what you meant or didn’t mean. But that short-circuits their healing.
Try this sequence:
Validate: “That makes sense why you’d feel that way.”
Own it: “I see how my reaction made you feel worse.”
Then, if appropriate, explain and reassure: “What I was feeling was shame, not that I didn’t care.”
Validation calms the nervous system. Explanation alone doesn’t.
5. Ask How You Can Support Them—Then Follow Through
Sometimes your spouse just wants to know you’re invested. Ask them:
“When you’re hurting, what’s something I can do that helps?”
“Would it be helpful if I sat with you, or gave you space, or said something specific?”
And then, do it. Even if it’s hard. Especially if it’s hard.
You Have More Power Than You Think
You can’t undo what happened. But you can show up differently now. And that’s what changes everything.
Betrayed spouses don’t heal from perfect partners—they heal when they feel consistently seen, valued, and emotionally safe. Every time you choose presence over defensiveness, connection over withdrawal, you begin to rebuild what was lost.
And if you're in Florida—whether in Pensacola, FL or Jacksonville, FL—and you're ready to do the work of repair, you're not alone. At Root to Bloom Therapy, I work with couples and individuals navigating the complex journey of recovery from betrayal. You don't have to guess what healing looks like. I’ll help guide the way.
