When Healing Feels One-Sided: A Message to the Unfaithful Spouse Struggling with Resentment and Imbalance

By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
Therapist for Betrayal, Infidelity & Addiction Recovery | Serving Florida, Pensacola FL, and Jacksonville FL

Infidelity shakes a relationship at its very core. It doesn’t just hurt—it redefines the relationship, the individuals within it, and the balance that once felt familiar. If you’re the partner who was unfaithful, and you now find yourself feeling invisible, unimportant, or like your feelings are being pushed aside, you’re not alone. Many betraying partners come into therapy feeling this exact tension: “Why do they get all the space? What about my pain? Aren’t we supposed to be in this together?”

You might be feeling deep frustration, even resentment, toward your betrayed partner. It might feel like they’ve taken over the healing process, become the gatekeeper of progress, and made themselves the “important one” while your emotions are minimized or dismissed. And beneath that? You might feel unheard, unseen, and unsure where you fit in the relationship anymore.

Let’s talk about it—with honesty, compassion, and clarity.

The Shift After Betrayal: Why It Feels Unequal

When infidelity happens, the emotional equilibrium of the relationship is disrupted—not by the betrayed partner’s response, but by the betrayal itself. The foundation of mutual trust has cracked, and for a time, the betrayed spouse is standing in that rubble, disoriented and wounded.

That doesn’t mean their healing is more important than yours. But it does mean their healing needs are urgent.

Imagine the relationship as a car crash. One person is bleeding, conscious but in shock. The other is bruised but standing. Emergency responders rush to the injured. That doesn’t mean the standing person isn’t hurt—it just means one person needs immediate care first.

It’s not about superiority. It’s about triage.

When someone chooses to cheat, they don’t just break a promise—they take something that was never theirs to take: their partner’s right to choose. Infidelity isn’t just a betrayal of the relationship; it’s a decision that removes the other person’s say in their own life. Without realizing it at the time, the unfaithful partner changed everything—the course of the marriage, the future the couple was building, and the foundation of trust it all stood on—without giving their spouse a chance to consent or even know it was happening. As the betraying spouse, you may feel that your spouse feels entitled, or that the marriage lacks equality, or that she is superior to you in healing. I want you to remember that you were entitled, you took power, and she was below you in the marriage, without her knowledge.

She had no choice but to be less than because your behavior kept her in a reality she didn't know existed. This power you took allowed you to continue your behavior.

When you kept secrets that impacted her emotional safety in the relationship, the security you provided was compromised, and the assurance you offered about the future was undermined. You had taken power without permission. That’s not just secrecy; that’s disempowerment. The betrayed spouse didn’t get to decide whether they wanted to stay in a marriage with infidelity in it, or how they would’ve responded if they had known the truth earlier. That choice was taken from them. Now they are seeking reassurance, safety, and clear boundaries. You may think their “entitlement” is unfair, but this is seeking safety after trauma.

After discovery, that loss of power doesn't just disappear. In fact, trying to return to "equal footing" too quickly can feel unsafe or even impossible to the betrayed spouse. What might look like her taking control or demanding more say is really a response to the imbalance that’s already occurred. She’s trying to regain a sense of safety and agency in a relationship where she once had neither. For a while, it may feel like she’s calling more of the shots or needing things on her terms—not because she sees herself as more important, but because she was left in the dark about her own life. Until she feels secure again, offering full equality would feel like stepping back into the same vulnerability that shattered her in the first place. This season isn’t about keeping things lopsided forever—it’s about giving space for healing and restoring what was taken.

Let me be clear: At some point, her walls will need to come down; a leap of faith in safety and trust will be required. Meanwhile, your willingness to show effort, integrity, and humility over time will give her the space she needs to build the confidence and courage to take that leap.

Understanding Their “Entitlement” Through the Lens of Injury

It may feel like your spouse is demanding too much, that their pain gets more airtime, or that they’ve taken control of what healing should look like. But what you're seeing as entitlement might actually be trauma.

When someone experiences betrayal trauma, their sense of reality is shattered. They may question their worth, fear future abandonment, and struggle to regulate emotions. They might need frequent reassurance, want details you don’t want to revisit, or lash out when overwhelmed. To you, it may look like control or emotional dominance. But from their lens? It’s survival.

This doesn't excuse mistreatment, but it does reframe it. They're not trying to diminish you—they're trying to find their footing again.

Where Do Your Feelings Fit In?

You might be grieving too, over your own shame, lost connection, or even feeling like you've lost your voice in the relationship. Maybe you're trying to change, but nothing feels “good enough.” You may be saying, “What about my needs? What about my growth?”

Those feelings are real. And they matter.

But if you lead with resentment instead of curiosity, if you insist on equality before your partner feels safe again, the healing process may stall—or collapse altogether.

This part is tough: you can't demand mutuality in a moment that requires sacrifice.

Not forever. But for now.

Healing isn’t about who’s “more important.” It’s about giving what’s needed to rebuild safety. Your role is not to remain silent or dismiss your own feelings, but to understand why your partner’s recovery has taken center stage.

The Danger of Daily Resentments

Resentment is like rust. It starts small, hidden beneath the surface, but if left unchecked, it corrodes everything: your willingness to try, your ability to empathize, and your motivation to stay.

Ask yourself:

• Are my resentments based on unspoken needs?

• Am I expecting a balanced process in an imbalanced season?

• Have I fully acknowledged the depth of the harm I caused?

• Am I equating being “wrong” with being “less than”?

These are hard reflections—but they’re necessary.

Remember, feeling unseen doesn’t mean you are unseen. It might mean your pain hasn’t been shared in a way your partner can receive yet. Or it may mean you need a safe space (like therapy) to explore that pain without asking your partner to carry it right now.

What You Can Do Right Now

Here are some ways to navigate this season of imbalance without losing yourself in it:

1. Name your needs—responsibly.
   Share how you feel, but not as a weapon. Use “I” statements that take ownership, not blame.
   Example: “I’ve been feeling disconnected and afraid that I don’t matter in this process. Can I share more of that with you in a way that doesn’t overwhelm you?”

2. Develop empathy, even when it feels unfair.
   Empathy isn’t agreement. It’s the willingness to understand another person’s experience. When you lean in instead of pulling away, you create room for mutual healing.

3. Don’t confuse pain with punishment.
   The discomfort you feel isn’t your partner punishing you—it’s part of the consequence of broken trust. Facing it with humility is what starts to rebuild the relationship.

4. Find support outside your spouse.
   Therapy—especially with a CSAT—can be a powerful outlet for your own growth. You need a space that’s yours, too.

5. Stay the course.
   Restoration is slow. There will be days when you feel like the “bad guy,” even if you’re trying your hardest. But progress happens not by fixing it all at once—but by showing up differently, again and again.

You Both Matter, Just Not Equally Right Now

A relationship is never truly equal at all times. There are seasons—especially after betrayal—when one partner needs more care, more patience, more space to heal. That doesn’t mean they’re better, or more valuable. It means the dynamic is responding to the injury, not defining your worth.

This won’t last forever. But how you respond right now matters more than ever.

So yes, your pain matters.
Yes, your healing is part of the process.
And yes, you deserve to be seen.

But the path toward being seen again starts with seeing the one you hurt—and helping them stand up again. Not because they’re more important. But because love, at its core, isn’t about equality. It’s about sacrifice, humility, and healing together—even if the timing doesn’t feel fair.

If you’re in Florida—including Pensacola, FL and Jacksonville, FL—and need support in navigating betrayal recovery as the betraying partner, reach out to schedule a session. At Root to Bloom Therapy, I help individuals and couples rebuild what was broken with clarity, compassion, and real tools for transformation.