When Addiction Becomes an Excuse: Why Refusing to Own the Choice to Betray Keeps Healing Stuck
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma Specialist in Florida
When a spouse discovers that their partner has been engaging in sex or porn addiction, it can feel like the ground has completely dropped out from beneath them. The betrayal cuts deep. And while addiction can be a contributing factor in compulsive sexual behavior, what often keeps couples stuck—what keeps the pain festering instead of healing—is when the addicted partner refuses to acknowledge that they still made a choice to betray.
“I Didn’t Choose to Cheat, I’m an Addict.”
This is a statement I hear often in my work as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). The betraying partner may feel shame, confusion, or even relief in being able to name their addiction. However, too often, that diagnosis becomes a shield—used to deflect responsibility rather than foster accountability.
Addiction does not remove agency. It complicates it, but it doesn’t eliminate it.
When someone refuses to say, “I chose to betray,” the betrayed partner hears something very different:
“It wasn’t that big of a deal.”
“It just happened.”
“I couldn’t help it.”
“It wasn’t really about you.”
To the partner who has been betrayed, these words feel like gaslighting. It feels like the devastating impact of the betrayal is being minimized, spiritualized, or pathologized away.
Why This Keeps the Betrayed Spouse Stuck
Betrayal trauma is not just about what happened—it’s about the meaning the betrayed spouse makes of it. When their pain is invalidated, when their reality is denied or downplayed, healing cannot begin.
When the addicted spouse refuses to own the intentionality and or impacts of their behaviors, the betrayed partner:
Remains in survival mode, unable to trust their reality.
Feels isolated and unseen in their pain.
Can’t access the safety needed to move forward in relationship repair.
True relational healing requires emotional safety. And emotional safety begins when the betraying spouse stops hiding behind addiction and starts showing up with courageous honesty.
Addiction Can Be Real—And Still Not Be a Pass
Let’s be clear: sex and porn addiction are real. They often stem from deep attachment wounds, childhood trauma, or emotional dysregulation. They are disorders of intimacy and connection, and they require treatment, not just behavior management, but full accountability, empathy-building, and nervous system healing.
But addiction does not give permission to betray, lie, manipulate, or ignore the devastating effects of infidelity on a partner’s body, mind, and soul.
If anything, naming the addiction should lead to more ownership, not less.
What Betrayed Partners Need to Hear
If you’re the one who has betrayed your spouse, and you’re truly hoping for reconciliation, these words can be life-changing:
“I chose to act out, and I see how deeply it hurt you.”
“My addiction was real, but so was my choice to lie, to keep secrets, and to betray our bond.”
“You didn’t cause this. You didn’t deserve this.”
“I want to understand your pain, not explain it away.”
These are the kinds of statements that begin to build trust. Not overnight. Not without consistent, integrity-driven action. But they open the door.
When Excuses Stop, Empathy Can Start
Until the betraying spouse stops using addiction as a reason to avoid full responsibility, the betrayed spouse will remain emotionally alone in their healing. And no amount of therapy, disclosure, or sobriety chips will fix what only genuine, remorseful empathy can.
Empathy means entering your spouse’s pain without needing to explain yours first.
Accountability means saying:
“Yes, I was an addict. And yes, I chose to cheat.”
“And I will do whatever it takes to rebuild what I broke.”
For Couples Who Want to Heal
Healing after infidelity and sexual betrayal is possible. But it cannot happen on a foundation of excuses. It begins with brutal honesty, courageous accountability, and deep empathy.
If you’re the betrayed partner, know that your pain makes sense, and your need for clarity, validation, and safety is not “too much.”
If you’re the addicted partner, your healing is not just about stopping behaviors. It’s about becoming someone safe. Someone trustworthy. Someone who no longer hides behind “I didn’t mean to,” and instead says: “I see what I’ve done, and I’m here to make it right.”
At Root to Bloom Therapy, we specialize in helping couples heal from betrayal trauma and sex or porn addiction with clinically grounded, faith-integrated care. Whether you’re just starting to pick up the pieces or you’ve been stuck for a while, we’re here to walk with you toward healing, wholeness, and restoration.
📍 Offices in Jacksonville, Florida
💻 Telehealth Available Across Florida
