After Crisis: Renewal of the Marriage

Sep 4

If you're reading this, chances are you've already walked through some of the hardest parts of infidelity recovery. You've likely been doing the painful, courageous work of individual healing—whether that's recovery from compulsive sexual behavior, betrayal trauma, or both. And now, you're wondering: How do we begin again... together?

This moment—the shift into couples’ work—is called the renewal phase when looking at the Raabsmiths Model for Healing. It’s where we stop only looking back at what happened, and begin building something new from the rubble.

But renewal isn’t just about patching up what was broken. It’s about asking, What kind of marriage do we want on the other side of this? What are we fighting for?

Start with the Vision

Take a moment. Imagine a couple you deeply admire. If someone were to brag about their marriage—not in a shallow or performative way, but from a place of deep respect and awe—what would they say?

Maybe they'd describe a relationship that is:

A united front in the face of life’s challenges
Built on mutual respect and equal voice
Joyful, playful, and loving
Anchored in mindfulness and presence
Full of loyalty, empathy, and kindness
Committed to serving one another from a place of freedom, not fear
Thoughtful, gentle, considerate, and resilient
A life lived together—with shared memories, shared values, and shared dreams

What parts of that vision speak most to your heart?

Hold that vision close because that is your compass. That is what makes this work worthwhile.

What’s Been in the Way?

Now, take a breath and reflect:

What relational pattern or obstacle has made this kind of connection difficult, either since the betrayal or even before it?

Maybe it's:

Avoiding conflict by shutting down
Speaking with contempt or sarcasm
Overfunctioning or caretaking for your spouse
Defensiveness and blame
Silent resentment or emotional distancing
Feeling like one person leads the recovery while the other drags their feet

Each of these patterns tells a story—about survival, protection, and pain. But they also become barriers to intimacy.

Individual Healing vs. Relationship Renewal

Let’s be clear: Addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing are essential. They require separate paths with their own support systems and focus.

For the addicted partner, it means doing the deep internal work to understand, manage, and heal from the compulsions, shame, and underlying pain driving the behavior.
For the betrayed partner, it means naming the trauma, grieving the losses, reclaiming your voice, and finding safety again in your own body and story.

But renewal work asks a different question:

“What kind of relationship are we creating now that we are two people doing our own healing?”

This is not about returning to what was. It's about co-creating something that has never existed between you and others before.

What Relationships Actually Need

Healthy relationships don’t maintain themselves. They require:

Intentional care
Honest communication
Boundaries that protect connection, not avoid it
Shared responsibility for the emotional climate

One of the biggest misconceptions is that if my partner just did everything right, we’d be okay. But this mindset leads to resentment and control—not healing.

Here’s a truth that may sting, AND also frees you:
You are not your partner’s caretaker.
You are responsible for yourself. And then—from that grounded place—you are responsible for how you show up to the relationship.

So ask yourself:

What is one thing I do that is harmful to myself?
What is one thing I do that is harmful to our relationship?

These can be simple, but powerful.
Maybe you minimize your own needs. Or you stonewall when you're overwhelmed. Or you criticize instead of expressing your hurt.

Whatever it is—own it. Name it. That’s where change begins.

Why This Matters

What you feel fuels what you do.
And what you do directly impacts how your partner feels.
This is the sacred dance of being in a relationship: You impact each other.

But here’s the paradox—you do not control the impact.

You can only take ownership of your actions and how they reflect your integrity, your healing, and your hope.

So ask yourself:

What am I feeling lately in this relationship?
What do I want to feel more of?
What is one way I’ve been showing up that helps or hurts that goal?

What’s on the Other Side

The Renewal phase isn’t about checking boxes or forcing forgiveness. It’s about building a marriage that can hold both of you. One where truth, trust, grace, boundaries, and love are all welcome.

This work is slow. Messy. Brave.
But it can be beautiful.

Because when you’re both committed—not just to staying married, but to becoming safe, honest, and emotionally present—you begin to rebuild something sacred.

And that is worth fighting for.

Next Step:

Take time to journal or talk with your spouse: