Loving with Intention: What It’s Like Dating Someone with Betrayal Trauma (And How to Be Their Safe Harbor)

Written By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Pensacola, FL & Telehealth Across Florida

Some loves begin with laughter and shared dreams. Others grow slowly, tenderly, after deep shadow and caution creep in. If you are with someone who has experienced betrayal, you are walking with someone who carries a scar no apology alone can erase, but one that can be soothed, gradually, by your consistency, kindness, and courage.

If you want to be that person who offers hope, not pressure, here’s what it’s like, what to watch for, what to do, and what to be in order to help your partner heal, soften, and move toward earned secure attachment.

Understanding Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s loud; a betrayal discovery, lies, infidelity, betrayal of promises. Sometimes it’s quiet; suspicion, withdrawal, guarded heart.

• What Betrayal Trauma Means:
  Trauma is caused when someone deeply trusted violates that trust. It could be an affair, addiction, gaslighting, a broken promise, abandonment, or combinations thereof. What matters is the trust that was shattered.

• How It Lodges in the Heart and Mind:
  The mind begins to anticipate danger, even when danger is not present. The body holds alarm; tightness, senses on edge. Attachment patterns shift: the desire for closeness wars with the fear of repeat harm.

• Why It Matters Even If You Didn’t Cause It:
  Because what was broken blindsided many aspects of their relational selves. You may see behaviors that feel confusing: pulling away, testing, hypervigilance; not because they don’t love you or care, but because their nervous system is wired to keep them safe. When someone experiences betrayal trauma, their brain shifts into survival mode. The amygdala, the part of the brain like a smoke alarm, becomes hyperactive, scanning for danger even when none is present. The hippocampus, which helps us sort out memories and tell the difference between “then” and “now,” can struggle after trauma, making past pain feel like it’s happening all over again in the present. And because the corpus callosum (the bridge connecting the two halves of the brain) can get overwhelmed by stress, it becomes harder to calm big emotions with logical thinking. That’s why your partner might seem anxious, distant, or on edge, not because they don’t care, but because their nervous system is doing its best to keep them safe after trust was shattered.

Signs You May See: In Big Moments or Everyday Ones

You might recognize some or many of these in your partner, or perhaps in yourself as you learn more. Not all apply for everyone, and the absence of a sign doesn’t mean the absence of trauma.

How You Can Show Up: Being a Safe Harbor

You cannot erase what happened. But you can offer something vital: steady, faithful presence.

1. Be predictable. Keep your word.

   • If you say you’ll call, call. If you promise to show up, show up.

   • Reliability isn’t glamorous; it’s foundational for trust.

2. Listen deeply, without fixing first.

   • Sometimes “Tell me more” is more soothing than “Here’s how to feel better.”

   • Validate their feelings: “I can hear how scared you are.” “I understand why you’d feel unsafe.”

3. Own your own honesty. Be transparent.

   • Share your plans, intentions, mistakes. When you mess up, admit it, apologize, and show how you’ll do better.

4. Ask what they need. Then be ready to give it (if reasonable).

   • They might need space. Or clarity. Or verbal reassurance. Or check-ins.

   • Sometimes the need is about emotional safety, not about changing facts, but about meeting fear with comfort.

5. Respect boundaries (seen and unseen).

   • They may need more time to feel safe than their thoughts or feelings would suggest. That’s okay.

   • When they say “Not now,” "I need space," “I’m triggered,” don’t minimize. Accept gently. Let them return in their time.

6. Consistency over grand gestures.

   • Tiny reliable acts: sharing coffee, being on time, following through on small promises.

   • These become safety anchors your partner can begin to lean into.

7. Cultivate emotional safety.

   • Create nonjudgmental spaces for sharing.

   • Keep your temper, critiques, tone kind.

   • When conflict arises, work to maintain calm and compassion, even when it’s hard.

8. Support their healing journey (but don’t take over).

   • Encourage therapy, support groups, reading, or retreats, whatever helps.

   • Let them lead their own healing. You are an ally, a companion, a witness, not the master of their recovery.

What to Do Even If You Don’t See Symptoms

Sometimes everything seems okay; but trust, once broken, doesn’t always show its cracks. Here’s how to be sensitively present before signs emerge, or even alongside times when all seems well.

• Be aware of language: avoid phrases, jokes, or stories that devalue trust or make light of betrayal.

• Be emotionally transparent: share your fears, needs, hopes; this models vulnerability and safety.

• Commit to shared values: honesty, integrity, and communication. Let these be the bedrock of the relationship.

• Build rituals of safety: weekly check-ins, expressing gratitude, and small sharings of daily life.

• Be attentive to unspoken cues: if they pull in, go quiet, seem uneasy; respect that as a communication in its own right.

The Goal: Earned Secure Attachment

What does earned secure attachment look like? Not perfection, but a growing sense that you are safe, worthy, seen, and loved even when things aren’t perfect.

• Over time, the fearful pauses become fewer. The need for reassurance softens.

• Vulnerability becomes less terrifying.

• Closeness feels less risky and more restful.

You, as a partner, help create the conditions: trust, openness, boundaries. Over time, these conditions become internalized for the betrayed partner. They begin to feel secure, not because everything always goes smoothly, but because there is a pattern of care, love, and safety.

Some Homework for you and your significant other who has been betrayed:

To help you stay conscious, compassionate, and grounded, take some time and journal.

• When was the last time I followed through on something I promised without them needing to remind me?

• How do I respond when I see them pull away? Do I get defensive, angry, or do I pause and ask: “What’s happening for you right now?”

• What promises do I need to make more often, small things like “I’ll text when I’m late” or “If plans change, I’ll let you know.”

• Am I holding space for their emotional safety, even when it’s uncomfortable or when it slows us down?

• How do I take care of my own emotional well-being, so that I can show up from fullness rather than depletion?

A Message of Hope

Loving someone with betrayal trauma isn’t simple, but it is sacred work. You’re not just nurturing a relationship, you’re helping to mend a heart that’s known deep sorrow.

My prayer for you is that one day, you’ll both look back and see how what was once shattered became something strong and beautiful. And you’ll know that you were part of that healing, not as the one who caused the pain, but as the one who chose to show up with tenderness and courage. That’s holy work indeed.