Is This Difficult—Or Is This Destructive?

Sep 15

By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Pensacola, FL & Telehealth Across Florida

If you’ve been betrayed—whether through infidelity, pornography, emotional affairs, or chronic deception—there’s a point in healing where you find yourself asking:

“Am I struggling because healing is hard?
Or am I suffering because this relationship is destroying me?”

It’s not always easy to tell the difference.

In trauma, you can’t trust your feelings right away. Some days, you’ll doubt yourself. Other days, you’ll feel completely numb.

You might swing between:

“Marriage takes work—I should hang in there.”
“This pain is breaking me—I don’t know how much more I can take.”

So how do you know?
Is this just difficult work?
Or is this soul destruction that God never asked you to stay in?

The Difference Between Difficulty and Destruction

Difficult means:

You’re in the messy middle of healing, but there’s progress over time
Your partner is showing up with humility, truth-telling, and repair attempts
Boundaries are honored, even if imperfectly
The relationship has moments of safety, connection, and growth—even if they’re small and fragile
There’s honesty about the past, and your partner is taking real ownership of the harm

Healing from betrayal is supposed to be difficult.
It’s grief work. It’s trauma work. It’s nervous system work.

But difficult is different from destructive.

Destructive means:

You’re stuck in cycles of deception, defensiveness, or blame
Your partner refuses to do real recovery work—or only pretends to change
Your boundaries are mocked, minimized, or repeatedly crossed
You feel spiritually depleted, emotionally unsafe, or physically unwell
The relationship is not just hard—it’s slowly eroding your sense of self and your connection with God

Destructive relationships keep you in a state of chronic betrayal, not just past betrayal.
You’re not healing from an old injury—you’re being actively wounded again and again.

Signs You May Be in a Destructive Dynamic

Ask yourself:

Am I constantly gaslit or blamed for my partner’s behavior?
Is there a pattern of relapse without disclosure or accountability?
Do I feel more spiritually distant because I’m too traumatized to pray?
Am I walking on eggshells, afraid to bring up my pain?
Has my mental, emotional, or physical health deteriorated since trying to “work on it”?
Do I feel like I’m losing myself trying to hold the marriage together?
Is the betrayal still happening—or are new betrayals piling on top of the old ones?

God Doesn’t Call You to Self-Destruction

In Christian circles, betrayed spouses are often told to “stay no matter what.”
But staying in something actively destructive is not a measure of faith—it’s a fast track to soul injury.

Yes, God values covenant.
But God also values truth, safety, and your wholeness.

Psalm 34:18 says:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

God is not calling you to martyr yourself on the altar of someone else’s unrepentant behavior.
He’s calling you to life, not slow destruction.

When It’s Difficult but Worth It

Sometimes healing work feels unbearable—but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to stay.

If your partner is:

Truly accountable
Engaged in therapy or recovery work
Transparent about triggers, slips, or patterns
Respectful of your pain and your pace
Working to rebuild safety and trust, even in small steps

Then the relationship may still have the potential for repair—even if it feels messy, hard, and exhausting right now.

When It’s Destructive and Time to Save Yourself

If your partner:

Refuses to change
Gaslights or manipulates you
Keeps secrets or continues acting out
Blames you for the betrayal
Uses “forgiveness” as a weapon to avoid accountability

Then you’re not in healing—you’re in harm.

Sometimes walking away is not quitting.
It’s choosing life.
It’s saying, “I will not sacrifice my soul to keep someone else comfortable in their dysfunction.”

How to Discern: Difficult vs. Destructive

Try asking:

“Is this hard because I’m facing my grief? Or is this hard because I’m being re-injured?”
“Am I stretching in growth? Or am I shrinking into despair?”
“Is my partner helping me carry the pain? Or am I holding it all alone?”
“Am I moving toward God—even if shakily? Or am I moving away from myself and from God because of constant harm?”

Permission to Protect Your Soul

Healing is holy work.
But so is protecting your life, your dignity, and your relationship with God.

If the marriage can’t be healed without destroying you, it’s okay to step away.

That doesn’t mean you’ve given up on love, grace, or redemption.
It means you’re choosing to stop participating in your own suffering.

You’re Allowed to Choose Life

God never asks you to choose marriage over your own soul.
God asks you to choose truth, healing, and life.

Sometimes that means staying.
Sometimes that means walking away.

Both paths are hard.
But only one leads back to yourself and to God—not just to survival, but to restoration.

Need Support?

At Root to Bloom Therapy, we walk with betrayed spouses who are discerning whether to stay, leave, or find a new way forward. We help you make trauma-informed, spiritually grounded decisions—without guilt, shame, or pressure.

Contact: www.roottobloomtherapy.com
Instagram: @talkingwithtesa
Phone: 850-530-7236