Why Betrayed Spouses Must Learn to Receive Imperfect Efforts for True Safety to Be Built
By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT | Root to Bloom Therapy | Infidelity & Betrayal Trauma Specialist in Florida
When you've been betrayed by your spouse—through infidelity, pornography addiction, or secret sexual behaviors—the need for safety feels non-negotiable. You’ve been dropped into a world where your reality shattered overnight, and now every effort from your partner feels like a test. “Do I matter? Can I trust you? Will you fail me again?”
It’s understandable.
It’s valid.
But it’s also where many betrayed spouses get stuck.
The Trap of Expecting Perfection
After betrayal trauma, it’s common for betrayed spouses to expect their husbands to show up with perfect precision: saying all the right things, responding with perfect empathy, never getting defensive, always doing the work… all exactly as you need them to.
This response is usually driven by fear and a desperate need for safety. You’ve been lied to. You’ve been emotionally discarded. You’ve been exposed to a level of pain that threatens your very sense of identity, worth, and reality.
So you grab onto what feels like control: “If he just does everything right, maybe I’ll feel safe again.”
But here’s the truth: safety isn’t created by perfection—it’s created through connection. And connection is co-created.
Safety is Co-Created (But Not Co-Equal)
One of the most important truths in infidelity recovery is this: the betraying spouse is responsible for the majority of the repair. We look for 80% of the effort from him—showing up, learning empathy, telling the truth, owning his story, responding to your pain without defensiveness, and staying consistent over time.
But the remaining 20%? That belongs to you.
And your part is just as crucial for healing.
That 20% looks like:
A willingness to receive his efforts (even when they’re imperfect).
Not dismissing or criticizing when he’s trying but doesn’t quite get it right.
Pausing to reflect on what meaning you’re making internally when you feel hurt or misunderstood.
Recognizing when your response is rooted in past trauma rather than present danger.
Letting progress be enough for today.
He’s Learning a Whole New Language
The reality is: your husband has landed in an entirely foreign country—one where the language is emotional safety, intimacy, empathy, and connection.
And he’s likely never spoken this language fluently. Some men in recovery are just beginning to understand:
What empathy actually sounds like
What emotional attunement looks like
How to regulate their own shame instead of withdrawing or lashing out
How to stay in the room with your pain without defensiveness
He’s going to fumble.
He will say it “wrong.”
He might show up earnestly, but awkwardly.
And in those moments, the healing doesn’t stop—unless you reject the effort.
How Criticism Blocks Safety
When a betrayed spouse remains in the posture of perfectionism—measuring every word, tone, and facial expression against an impossible standard—it can communicate, “No matter what you do, it’s never enough.”
That message shuts down risk-taking. It inhibits growth. And most importantly, it halts the process of rebuilding safety.
Because safety isn’t just built when your husband shows up with the exact words you were hoping for—it’s built when:
He keeps trying, even when it’s hard
You’re willing to stay present and acknowledge that effort
You both learn to regulate and repair in real-time, rather than expect emotional perfection
Work With Your Triggers, Don’t Be Ruled by Them
Of course you’re going to feel hurt when he stumbles.
Of course you’re going to get activated when he misses a need.
But the healing work for you is to ask:
“What am I making this mean?”
“Is this about now, or is this about the past?”
“Can I see the effort, even if it isn’t perfect?”
You’re not responsible for his recovery or his learning curve. But you are responsible for your own growth. And part of that growth is recognizing when your nervous system is expecting something he’s not yet capable of—but he's earnestly working toward.
The Big Picture: Progress Over Perfection
You’re rebuilding a relationship where trust was obliterated. That’s sacred and painful work.
But it’s not a performance review—it’s a partnership.
Yes, your husband must show up consistently with deep effort.
And yes, you must learn to let the process be imperfect while still meaningful.
When you shift out of a rigid expectation for perfection and lean into a posture of receiving, pausing, and curious reflection, safety begins to sprout. Slowly. Gently. Mutually.
It’s not co-equal, but it is co-created.
And that’s the only way forward.
Are You Feeling Stuck in the Healing Process?
At Root to Bloom Therapy, I specialize in working with couples navigating infidelity, addiction, and betrayal trauma. Whether you’re in Pensacola, Jacksonville, or anywhere in Florida, through telehealth, I walk with couples who want to rebuild, safely, honestly, and with deep care.
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Contact me today to begin your healing journey.
