Is This Even Survivable? A Word for the Betrayed Spouse Who’s Trying to Breathe Through the Pain

You’re probably asking the question no one ever wants to ask: Can I even survive this?

The betrayal—whether it was an affair, secret addiction, or a pattern of dishonesty—feels like it tore through your soul. And now you're left holding the wreckage, wondering if anything will ever feel normal again.

It’s okay if you’re afraid. It’s okay if the tears still fall unexpectedly. It’s okay if you’ve done all the journaling, crying, praying, and processing—but still feel like you can’t catch your breath.

But let’s ask a deeper question.
When you say “Is this survivable?”—are you asking if you will survive this?
Or are you asking if your marriage will survive this?

Because those are two very different questions.

What You’re Really Longing For

If we’re being honest, most of us want a guarantee:
“I’ll commit to healing… if you can promise me that you will change.”
“I’ll do the work… if you can assure me of safety in this relationship.”

But that’s not how this works.
And I know—that’s not what you wanted to hear.

Healing doesn’t come with contracts or crystal balls. It comes with courage.
And it begins not by asking, “Will we survive this as a couple?”
—but by declaring, “I will survive this, no matter what happens with us.”

You Can Heal—Even If Your Marriage Doesn’t

You are not powerless.

Yes, betrayal wounded you. Yes, someone else's actions devastated your world. But healing doesn’t wait on them to fix it. In fact, if you hold your healing hostage to their remorse, their repair, or their change, you may be stuck for a very long time.

And you deserve more than being stuck.
You deserve to move forward.

What does that look like?

It starts with realizing that your pain belongs to you.
Not because you caused it—but because it’s yours to heal.
No one else can do it for you.

The Truth About Forgiveness

Let’s talk about the word that makes most betrayed spouses recoil:
Forgiveness.

You didn’t cause this. You didn’t break it. So why should you be the one who has to forgive?

Forgiveness isn’t a free pass for the one who hurt you.
It’s a lifeline for your soul.

It’s not saying, “What you did is fine.”
It’s saying, “I’m not going to carry this weight anymore.”
It’s not trust. It’s not reconciliation. It’s not pretending.
It’s just choosing to stop letting their actions have the final say over your heart.

And let me be honest: You might not be ready to forgive.
That’s okay.

This is not all-or-nothing.
So what if we sliced forgiveness thinner?
What if we looked for just one small sliver of the pain you are ready to let go of today?
And for the rest—the parts too heavy, too raw, too complicated—what if we handed those to Jesus?

Let Him hold what you’re not ready to release.
That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

Why Perspective Matters

What you look for is what you’ll see.
If you stay locked in on the one who broke you, your pain will keep circling them.
But if you shift your focus to what will heal you—you’ll start to feel the ground under your feet again.

Unprocessed pain creates chaos.
Unforgiven wounds bleed into everything.
When you live in reaction to someone else's choices, you give them control over your emotional world.

But you don’t have to stay there.

You can feel deeply without drowning.
You can grieve truthfully without becoming bitter itself.
You can begin again—even if the marriage doesn't.

The Grace That Makes It Possible

Now, I need to say this gently and clearly: I don’t know how to do this apart from Jesus.
And I know not everyone reading this may share my faith. But I’ve sat with story after story, and I’ve lived some of my own.

And in all my years—clinically, personally, spiritually—I haven’t found a way to truly heal betrayal without God’s grace.

Not a performative, “just forgive and forget” kind of grace.
But the kind of grace that gets down in the trenches.
That sees your heartbreak and doesn’t flinch.
That slowly, gently, untangles your pain so you can breathe again.

You Will Survive This

I don’t know if your marriage will survive this.
But I do know this: you can.

You can rise from the ashes of betrayal with more clarity, more strength, and more connection to your true self—and to God—than ever before.

You don’t have to rush.
You don’t have to forgive everything today.
You just have to be willing to take one small step forward.

And when you feel like you can’t even do that?
Let Jesus carry you until you can.

By Tesa Saulmon, LMHC, CSAT
Christian Betrayal Trauma Therapist | Root to Bloom Therapy
Serving Pensacola, Jacksonville, and offering Telehealth across Florida

Need Support?
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
Schedule a betrayal trauma consultation with me at www.roottobloomtherapy.com or call 850-530-7236.
Follow on Instagram for daily hope: @talkingwithtesa